Fatherhood First
When I first became a father back in 2023, my life was changed forever. The moment I welcomed my daughter into this world, I felt a love like I had never experienced. I was incredibly fortunate enough to feel that same love a second time when my son was born this past June. I love my wife more than anyone in the entire world and through our unbreakable bond we created a unique and special love specific to our children. Since their birth, I have done everything in my power to give them the best life I physically can.
Due to the unique nature of our situation, I have become a stay-at-home dad. My wife already had an established teaching career before our children, and to be completely transparent, I hadn’t even graduated college by the time my daughter was born. I took my graduation pictures with one of the most precious people in the entire world.
While I am extremely grateful for the experience, sometimes I wonder if I am the type of many my children can be proud of. I love being a stay-at-home dad more than anything, but sometimes I wonder if I am giving my children the best example. I am extremely thankful to have the opportunity to be there for my children every day, and I do my best to make their everyday great. However, sometimes I worry that I am leaving something to be desired in the “dad” element.
My father is easily the hardest working man I know. He is an accomplished salesman, entrepreneur, and business owner. Yet, none of his achievements or accolades were ever handed to him. He worked from the moment he was old enough to get a job, and has continued to do so for the rest of his life. One of my father’s first jobs was working a paper route, now he owns his own business. I am forever thankful for his incredible example, and yet it reminds me of everything I have yet to accomplish as a parent. My dad is the epitome of the working man, but for that reason, I feel like I have failed him. Moreover, I feel that I have failed my children in the same manner. I am forever thankful to be able to watch my children grow up, but I worry about giving them the life they truly deserve.
My dream in life is to be a writer. I have little to no experience, I do not have a lot of time to create my own work, and I am extremely critical of everything I manage to produce. I have big dreams, but dreams can’t support a family.
In many ways my mind becomes a coin. On one side, I am self assured. I believe in my dream and feel in my bones that I can make it true. On the other side, I am extremely pessimistic. I feel like I am trying to count the grains of sand in a dust storm. There are plenty of people my age with more experience, better connections, and more opportunities. However, I still feel above all else that writing is my calling. On one hand I want to teach my children to never give up, to chase their dreams, and to make them a reality. On the other hand, I worry about chasing unrealistic goals in a world that doesn’t reward “almost making it”.
My kids are my entire world. I want them to have every opportunity to find success in this world. Yet, around every corner comes another unexpected challenge. To be perfectly honest, I have not found the work-from-home with children thing easy. I constantly struggle to multi-task and have a habit of outright abandoning every project I am working on in favor of spending more time with my kids. Although that might not sound like a negative thing it can come across as extremely unprofessional. I even had someone say today that they didn’t think anyone could work in my dream field in a completely remote capacity. It was one of the most defeating moments I have had in awhile.
Although I know I’ll bounce back better and stronger, I am beginning to struggle with the idea of accomplishing my dream. I love writing, but can I write something worth reading? Nowadays I even have to compete with mounds of AI slop to get my voice heard. I feel defeated. Every rejection letter feels like another sucker punch and I feel the walls beginning to close in. I simply just don’t know how many more jobs I can apply to. I’ve thought about creating my own standout title, my own amazing work… but what would I even write about? Despite wanting to be an accomplished author or narrative designer with the very fabric of my soul, sometimes I worry that my self doubt is louder than my ambition.
At the end of the day, I know I have to hold on to hope. Hope is the only thing keeping some people alive, and if it brings me closer to my dream than I will hope every day until the end. It might take me an incredibly long time, but I believe it is worth the time to dream. While I do worry about supporting them, I believe I owe it to my children to show that it can be done. I think that if I manage to accomplish my dreams, that there is no way they cannot accomplish theirs. I truly believe that everyone in the entire world has a purpose and it is their responsibility to discover their truth and make it a reality. If I can prove to my kids that anyone can accomplish their dreams I believe they can accomplish anything.
Ultimately, I hope I can look back on this post one day and smile. I hope I can say I was proud I am of the man I am today, and the man I will become. A wise man once told me, "all you can do is the next right thing”, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
As always, thank you for your time and I really appreciate you letting me air out some of my feelings. If you feel similarly or would like to share your experience don’t hesitate to do so in the comments. Lastly, I think it’s incredibly important to remember that even though I expressed self-doubt in this post, it is crucial that you believe in yourself. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to believe in you?
